you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
