He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
