Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
