new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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