I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
