I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
