I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
