I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
