and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
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When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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