then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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