Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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