how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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