After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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