i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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