dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
