You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
