My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
