We won't sleep together?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
