Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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