Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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