Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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