These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
