I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
