oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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