Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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