Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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