My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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