Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
only you would photoshop your dick
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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