Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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