Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
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I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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