I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
