And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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