I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
