Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
