For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
