There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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