We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
