I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
