the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
