the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
