I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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