Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
