I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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