Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
