Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
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Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
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I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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