just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
