I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
did i walk over a car last night?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
