filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
