I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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