you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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