Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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