I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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