What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
